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Guidelines for talking to your pre-teens about sex

1. You are the primary sexuality educator of your children. Children want to talk about sexuality with their parents and want to hear your values. It is not just a parent’s right, it is a responsibility.

2. Reward questions. Be an “askable parent.” Be approachable and tell your children that they don’t need to wait until they are older before you will answer their questions.

3. Find “teachable moments.” When children ask questions or make comments about sex or their physical development, you have a chance to teach them what you know or believe about sexuality. You can even use something you see on television as an opportunity for discussion about real-life sitations and their consequences.

4. You don’t need to wait until they ask a question. Many children never ask questions.

5. It is okay to feel uncomfortable; relax. It is hard for many adults to talk about sexual matters. Let kids know that you are uncomfortable, but you will talk to them anyway because you love them and want to help them. Remember, just because children ask questions about sexual behavior doesn’t mean they plan to begin having sexual relations.

6. Listen, listen, listen. When children ask a question, thank them for asking and use it as an opportunity to help them learn. Ask them why they want to know or what they already know.

7. Facts are not enough. In addition to sharing facts, do share your feelings, values and beliefs. Then, tell your child why you feel that way. Teaching our children the “why” behind our values teaches them to think.

8. Know what is being taught about sexuality. Talk to your schools, churches, temples and youth groups so you can become more informed about what your kids are learning.

9. When you talk with your children about sexuality, you are telling them that you care about their happiness and well-being. You are also sharing your values.

10. Be aware of the “questions behind the questions.” The unspoken question “Am I normal?” is often hiding behind many questions about sexual development, sexual thoughts and sexual feelings.